Free Write From Who Knows When

The following is a free write that I found while I was cleaning up my computer. I don't think I meant it to be serious, as I laughed when I read it. Hence, I decided to post it. I hope someone enjoys this, I had no idea what was going through my head.

Can we change? Truly? This has been the topic of a great many writings. My favorite show Lost dealt with this theme over and over again. To watch a character begin to change from who they were before they crashed onto the island only to watch them slide back into their natural selves. This is how I am whenever I move. I present myself in a false fashion, artificially recreating myself into what I project others want, or whom I think I should be. Then the slide back. Then there are all those times that I have tried to change for a girl, that never works out. To feel that I am flawed, like characters on Lost, and imperfect and seeking to improve upon myself to better appease God, myself, and those around me, never works out. I feel as though I am the same person as when I was six years old, (a Modest Mouse song states that.) I wish to change, but often I do not see it in the day to day. I only see it in the tragedies, to witness myself becoming more reserved and graceful, (only a wee bit,) when heart ache hits me. I’ve learned to walk away rather than linger for years on pain. But beyond that I still relate to people the same way, I still have many of the same habits, just situated in a bigger body, and a later point and time than when I was six. The core of me does not change. Perhaps this part of me should not change. This is who I am and I should accept it. To accept is to allow change, I believe that this is something that Kierkegaard wrote about. Acceptance of ones self, our limitations and strengths, then we can work around them. Like Batman.

Anxiety and Life

I took a walk/train ride to the ocean the other night. I've been having trouble focusing. I've been anxious about graduation. I don't feel ready, realizing that no one ever does. There's something daunting about the end. At the same time I feel so relived that I will be a free man again. I will be able to get a job and start paying off my loans and saving money. I haven't worked in a year, having chosen to focus on school. I don't regret it, but its been hard for me to do much else.

Mortality has been haunting me lately. The fact that I will die. I turn thirty this summer. I feel like that snuck up on me. Someone reminded me that tall people usually have shorter life spans, so technically I may already be middle aged. There is so much that I want to do with my life, but at times I move so slow. Its hard.

I think that's why I went to the beach. To try and escape my mortal despair for a little bit. To see a piece of this beautiful world instead of sitting around for a few more seconds. Reminding me that I am part of something bigger. Reminding me that there is organization and that God is out there waiting for me. The best thing to do about despair and anxiety is get up and do something. They only set in when we do nothing. 

I'm grateful for the ocean. That I can simply jump on a train and be there in ten minutes.

The Beginning of the End

First day back, enjoying the sun.

I just finished my first week of my last semester at State. I officially have attended all my classes for the first time. I have begun filling out my graduation papers. I'm making loose plans for post graduation, as to where I'll be, what I'll do.

Its weird. After I spent all this time and effort to get back into school, to get into film school even, to get to where I am, and now to almost be finished its like this big part of me is ending. This degree has been a big design and purpose of my life, and for it to be over it is as though a piece of me is dying.

I'm not looking at it as though death is bad, but a natural progression. "School John" is over but another John will take his place. Another apt metaphor would be for me to say this book is closing, but I'll start another one soon enough.

This next "book" that I'm writing is sure to be one that I am looking forward to reading. Its contents and direction are unknown to me, but I like the characters in it. I know some pretty interesting stuff will happen, and it should be a good read.

Schools back for winter.

That being said, the current book still has at least one more chapter in it. So I'll have to get through that first. I signed up for 15 units, and I'm trying to keep myself from adding even more. There is this big part of me that is a glutton for punishment. I enjoy pushing myself harder and harder. Last semester I thought I would break at one point, and I swore I would take this semester easy. When registration came I forgot all about that (or chose to ignore it.) Its a good load though. I feel confident and excited for this semester. I have more friends this last semester than I did at any other point (I took forever to get out of my emo/moody/angst ridden despair to try to connect with people at all.) I like most of my teachers, taking classes from many of my past favorites this semester, with only two new ones. (I actually have liked about all of my teachers, I'm really soft like that.)




So with that, here I go.

Staring off into the horizon.

Random Thoughts on New Stuff

My new Vibrams!

There have been a lot of changes for me this week. For those of you who didn't know, I got robbed on Christmas Day; I didn't find out until the day after. They took my external hard drive with all my raw film footage on it, and I am taking an editing course- so now I have to shoot a whole new movie for the class. They also took one of my favorite saddle bags, and not one-but two-pairs of Vibram running shoes.

 I love Vibram running shoes, and that's all I like to run in. It forces you to run "properly" to avoid injury, plus I just like the feel. Walking around barefoot is so much more comfortable than walking around with thick shoes-which we only do for safety reasons. So I was upset when I got home, because I had big running plans. I ordered a discounted pair of Vibrams from REI.com, and they came in on Monday. It took 8 days to get here, Amazon has spoiled me. But, It's been fun running in them. Love them.


If you are interested more in "barefoot" running I would highly recommend that you read "Born to Run." That book was recommended to me by my friend Scott. Thanks Scott.

Many people may not know that I have been primarily an "analogue" person for awhile. I only got my DSLR about a year ago, preferring to use a film SLR. I got the DSLR because I can film on it, helping me in school a bit. I have a record player, preferring the sound of Vinyl to that of MP3's or even CDs. (If you haven't heard music on Vinyl then you haven't heard music-and if you don't appreciate vinyl then you don't appreciate music.) I even have a kindle (which I use) but I buy an awful lot of books. I have had a cell phone, but avoided smart phones for awhile now. So the next part may come as a shock to some of you. And yes, you are right in thinking I have sold out.

The box of infinite potential.

The instructions.

So this week I got the iPhone 4S. Some people will retort that Android phones are better. Others will say I should have gotten the iPhone5. To all of you I will only simply and elegantly state "Shut Up." This is a big deal for me. I didn't have a Nintendo growing up.  I didn't get a lot of fancy stuff until I started getting it for myself. I never even got a Smart Phone for myself (this was kind of a present from my parents, early graduation sort of.) So some of you haters should cool your jets, let me be happy. And if you really want to debate this with me, I'm telling you know that a tap to your nose is my first counter argument. (Ok, maybe nothing so brutal, but you get the point right?)

Babies first charge. Kinda looks like the obelisk from
2001: A Space Odyssey dont she?

My greatest Smart-Phone fear is that I will turn into everybody else. Meaning, that my nose will always be in my phone. That'll I'll be constantly on FB, (which I do already-so maybe that fear is void?), constantly texting, constantly looking up useless facts. If I become one of those people, please rescue me. Hopefully I have enough discipline until then to get through it. 

To tie it all in, here I am post jogging taking a pic of myself with my iPhone.

2012: My Year In Review

Here I am on Alcatraz NY's Eve. I'll let you assert some metaphor here for 2012 and Alcatraz's relationship.

 I have a theory that as we get older we learn nothing new, but relearn many harsh life lessons again and again. This year was no different. Many lessons I relearned several times throughout the course of the year.

 Communication is key. In dating, business, art, and school. Clarifying questions are good. Making sure that you understand the other person as well as you can, and making sure that they understand you. If anything is unclear do not just walk away, ask a billion questions. Don’t be afraid of upsetting them now with said questions, instead be afraid of upsetting them even more later on when they realize you have no idea what they meant in actuality. 

Also try to be as plain and simple when you are communicating. No doubt, if you have read my blogs you are aware at times I struggle with this. Yet, by making things simple it becomes easier to relay the key and necessary things we are communicating to others. I missed out on some really good opportunities this year because I could not communicate efficiently. I thought the other party was not interested in myself, and therefore walked away, only to find later I had a chance. 

 I’m a man. By this I don’t mean that I need a woman in the kitchen to make me a sandwich; nothing so wrong as that, but that I an adult. So often this year I have stated I am a man-child when I am not. Man-children live in a perpetual state of anxiety, according to Kierkegaard. They do all they can to prolong change, or growing up as we might say. While often I hesitate with change, I let it wash over me. Meaning, I may sleep in some days but I still get shit done. I don’t waste my time playing video games, and watching pointless movies. When I watch movies its usually for school, and it has become more of a chore to watch movies. I do things for my own self-development, not for distraction. I work on things, and try not to get too distracted. I no longer believe that I am a man-child, for I am a man. (Growing an awesome beard helps this point too.) 

I need to stop overthinking things. Like number one, I have missed out on great opportunities because of my perpetual overthinking nature. While having a high degree of anxiety can be good for getting things done, it can also shut myself down. It becomes hard to get up in the morning; it becomes intense to go into social interactions. Life is not that bad, and it is not that intense. If you screw one thing up, a second thing will come along. I have lived long enough to see and realize this. I have talked myself out of dates before they have even happened; I have talked myself out of jobs I haven’t applied to, etc.
 Its stupid, my mind is not some elaborate computer that can create simulations with a 97.5 success rate of accuracy. I need to have the experience before I can make decisions. This state of anxiety is what is likely to allow me to become a man-child. It is simply enough to do sometimes, and not everything I do needs have an elaborate plan and execution.3.) Then again- plans are good. So often I feel like so much of my life is planned out that I go through these periods of not wanting to plan anything out, or not keep track of things. Usually that’s when stuff in life reminds me why planning is so important. I still have trouble with it, I wish I could just live life one day at a time, but if you want progress or change or good things in your life you have to plan and keep to said plans.  

I need to be more sociable and assertive. State plainly what I want, and go for it. I let my anxieties flower up my words. There is nothing to fear from people, and if they don’t like me screw them. I’m a really awesome person, and have really awesome friends that will back me up with that. I am a talented and magical person- yes you read right I am full of magic! So I just need to be myself and be awesome, its what comes most naturally to me.
   

Sometimes you have to let go, even people close to you. I think I finally got over an ex-flame this year. She had to force herself back into my life begging to be friends again, and I watched as she disregarded said friendship. It helped me get over her because she was such a tool to me in the end, but also that I can do better. I stated before, just because something doesn’t work out the way you wanted does not mean the end of the world, other opportunities rise up in the ashes of our failures. That is the greatest lesson of all life while we live. (See six.)

Several movies and stories I saw this year, including the Dark Knight Rises, have been about the act of letting go. Holding on to things, like pain, can be so hurtful to our souls. The pain caused by other people is but for a moment, but our eternal pain is caused when we refuse to let go of it. We allow it to transform ourselves into horrible things, and when we let go we become beautiful again. It carries over to good emotions too by holding onto a dead love we can corrupt ourselves just as much.
 So often I would have stayed in bad relationships, and let them tear me down if it weren’t for family and friends to drag me away from them. I feel like I am finally mature enough to just walk by myself. Of course, it still sucks and still hurts, but I can do it. 

 Everything that fails burns has a phoenix rise out of its ashes. Just because things are so bad does not mean they will always be, nor does it mean that the best times are behind us. We will find better things out there, and life continually becomes more amazing as along as we assert ourselves into it. Sometimes its because the world changes, and sometimes its because we change and we see things differently than we saw them before. 

I need to exist on my own, outside of my family, friends, and relationships. This gives me a concrete idea of who I am, and what I want. Without this then I am nothing. School is good for this, but also having adventures by myself. Going out and doing things, seeing things, having experiences. Too often we can sit idly by waiting for those in our lives to come a save us from boredom, but we need to be our own relief. Once we do that, then we can relieve others of their own boredom. Otherwise being only a part of the collective means dependence upon the collective, and surviving without it means death. Both in a literal, emotional, and spiritual sense. Having some dependence upon others is healthy, but a complete is not. (This is the statement I have the most trouble articulating. I hope it has some sense of clarity, if not let me know.)

The overall theme, if you haven’t guessed, is one of anxiety. I know that I am not alone in stating that 2012 was a year of anxiety. Many people thought the world would end due to a misinterpretation of a Mayan Calendar, so many end of the world stories have begun or are being marketed. It’s our times, and our generation. Still, it is something to be worked on. Anxiety can be such a damaging thing, and I, personally, would regret it if I gave into all my fears.

The End of a Long Semester

School's been stressful for me lately. Unfortunately my friends have had to hear me rant and cry about it. Lost a lot of machismo points for being so whiny. This post isn't about me whining but about things just working out. There is a lot of stuff I can talk about school for the last few weeks, but I'll try to keep short.

First of, there was one class that was really stressful. I got weirdly competitive at the beginning of it; hoping that MY script would be picked and I would direct. After my script didn't get picked, I had a lot of weird ideas in my head about art and film. Honestly, I've had a lot of weird ideas this last year. But I decided not to direct, because there was enough for me to deal with in life and other classes. I figured I would just take a back job, and have it easy. Instead I ended up being the Art Director for the entire movie, and it was a Zombie film about a Marathon and a Non-Profit. There was a lot of Art needing to be directed... Needless to say things didn't go easy for me. There was a lot of blood, sweat, and tears put into it.

As it got closer to the shoot I thought that everyone would feel that the movie was a failure and that it would be my fault. I was trying to make it as professional as I could, but I never really worked on a professional set, and I had to figure a lot of stuff out. People were helping me, and as it got closer to the shoot more and more people helped me out, people in class, and outside that just wanted to help out some students. Still, there was a lot of stuff, and my stress level was rising. One person that was helping me told me to remember to have fun, that it's all about having fun. The night before that finally set in, and when the shoot happened I had fun. Sure not everything went according to plan, but things worked out. The pinnacle for me was when my teacher thanked me personally, telling me that I did a good job. Some how in school you don't get told a lot that you did a good job, in the arts I feel like I don't get enough "good jobs." There is this constant weight, even by my own self, for perfection. So to finally be told that I did a good job was very reaffirming that I am where I needed to be. It made me super emotional to get thanked.

Another big thing has been trying to get classes that I want/need. I officially only need one more class to graduate, then there are several classes that I want for fun/technical skills. There was one directing class that I really wanted, and I was banking on getting it. It was a sure thing, at least I thought so, because I am a graduating senior and have taken other classes that would make me a shoe in. I didn't get in. I did get in to several other classes. I really wanted to get into Editing, Writing for Actors Class, and an Experimental Documentary class. I really wanted to take Experimental Doc, but figured if I got into Directing and the other two I wouldn't. Honestly I wanted it more than Directing. Even though I was hurt I didn't get into Directing, I am now counting my blessings that I got into the ones I did. Even more I feel like God got me what I wanted more than what I thought I wanted, because this is what I need. For myself, and my future film career. This semester has been tough, one of the toughest of my adult school career, but it is what I needed.

Nietzche and the Family Circus on Marriage

When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory.

Guy Fawkes, or the 2nd of November

So there we were, at a bon-fire on the beach. The sun had gone down, and it was cool enough without being too cool so we could enjoy the night. The moon wasn't full, but if you looked at it not right it looked full. We had gathered together as a small group to observe Guy Fawkes day three days early, because who wants to observe something on a Monday with work in the morning when you can do it on a Friday night with no consequences in the morning.

After the traditional lighting of an effigagy fireworks were handed out. A fun display of wanton reckless abandon that we do. To get a good shot I went underneath someone as they were using a firework, they asked me if I thought I would be safer else where. I replied "Im good." After the firework narrowly avoided my face I moved.

Then the police showed up. The officer asked everyone to settle down and listen to him. It was a big group, so I told everyone to be quiet while he spoke.

He said that the "illegal" bonfire and fireworks where enough to cite us all a hefty fine. He, however, would wave it all if we cleared out in 60 seconds and put the fire out.

Everyone went back to talking and chatting, standing in place. I looked at the cop, then I looked at the crowd, back at the cop, and so on for about 10 seconds.

"Hey, you guys need to get out of here or else this cop is going to give us all a $200 fine!" I yelled.

Then, and only then, in its simplicity did people catch on to what was happening and started to leave. I grabbed the trash of firework boxes and ran them to the trash as other people headed to the parking lot. We start grabbing sand and throwing it on the fire. The cop doesn't like that, he wants us to use water. Water, of course, comes from the ocean. For that someone went to get the bucket. More on that in a second.

I stand off the beach in the lot looking back at the fire. I can see its still burning and others are standing there talking to the cop. I decide to run back and check it out and make sure everything is ok.

As I am running back I see a girl, and she is flirting with some guy midway. I think to myself, thats weird-why not go back to the parking lot? Then I think nothing more of it till I get back to the fire.

"Where is the bucket?" I ask.

"(INSERT NAME) went to go get it." Someone responds.

"I passed her flirting with some guy on my way here."

"(INSERT NAME) GET OVER HERE!" They all yell.

The cop was nice enough, and patient with us. Probably because we were the only people on the beach who were not drunk. Anyway, she gets there with the bucket, somewhat exhausted, and states she will not be going to the ocean.

Now, I have been to these beach bonfires before and keep learning  circular lessons which cancel each other out. Don't wear nice clothes because sand wears them out, the ocean gets them wet, and they smell like bonfire for weeks. Then if I wear "grungy" clothes I look like a serial killer. I guess I don't have moderate clothing. That day I decided to wear my best jeans, my best shirt, and my favorite shoes-a pair of New Balance running shoes that are black, grey, and orange. I also had my expensive camera with me in its bag.

"I'll do!" I declare without a thought.

I grab the bucket and run out toward the water. After running for awhile I realize that its low tide, meaning I have to go far out there to get to where its deep enough to fill up the bucket. I stop to take off my shoes, roll up my pants, and then I tie the laces and fling them around my neck like a scarf or a necklace. I go out into the water hoping my pants stay dry. 

I throw the bucket down as the tide goes out, the exiting water begins to fill the bucket and the strong tide forces me to keep a hand on it. As I wait I see a spot of orange in the water. Then I think, that spot of orange looks familiar, and its in the shape of an N. An N like a New Balance logo. And as the N bobs up and down in the water I realize its attached to a shoe, my shoe. My shoe fell in the water.

With the hand not on the bucket I make my way for the shoe. Suddenly I feel my camera bag slide its way across my back. It dangles over the water, barely missing the top. I panic. I twist. The current gets stronger, and its pulling the bucket away from me. The tide grabs my shoe, and pulls it away from me. I can't lose either, so I twist and grab my shoe and pull myself up with the bucket.

I run all the way back to the fire. I see the cop, and without thinking, standing up wind, I through the water on to the fire. I feel hot steam blow out of the fire and across my upper torso, my flesh burning. My reward.

Guy Fawkes, I now get why they burn you every year you stinking jerk. Yes I will remember, remember, the fifth of November, as it was on the  observed on the second. 

Names and specifics have been left out for peoples privacy and safety. Also there is some slight exaggeration in the story, and by not using names people cannot call me out as easily.

David Bowie and Me.

"Turn back Sarah, before it's too late!"

A couple weeks ago I was feeling a little down. School has been rough this semester. My dating life has died. My social life has pretty much died. I was getting amped for Halloween, but was wanting to watch it financially. I've never made/gotten a big costume before, and I have always wanted one. I always thought that it would be fun to have an elaborate costume for Halloween, making me the talking sensation of the night.

So as I went through the usual suspects of costumes -(i.e. Groucho Marx, Charlie Chaplin, Abe Lincoln,) costumes that don't require a lot of stuff I do not already have- I came to a realization. I'm single and I don't really answer to anyone- except my teachers- why not just make an elaborate and crazy costume? So I did some online research; late at night of course.

So around one in the morning I realized that I was never going to commit during the day, and I should just order the pieces then while I was not in a right frame of mind as I was sleep deprived. As I woke up that morning I realized what I had done- I spent my rice money on a David Bowie costume. Meaning that I would have nothing to eat for three weeks, and there was the possibility of the tights revealing too much of my bod. I logged on and cancelled the orders and waited for their response; all cancelled except for the two most expensive items.

I was locked in, and there was no turning back. I was to be Jarreth from Labyrinth. My number one Halloween costume choice for the past ten years. I was going to accomplish one of my dreams and bucket list items, "What what."(Imagine me raising the roof in a geeky Tina Fey style.)

One of the only items I did not order was the tights. They are actually hard to find for under $30 online, and I did not want to pay that much for them. By a stroke of luck I found some at Ross. I walked passed the Women's dept. 3 times before I summoned the courage to actually go in. Whenever a heterosexual male enters into Women's or a Child's dept. he is afraid of being accused of being some kinda weirdo and pervert, even if we are not. True Story. I found some tights, clumped them together and then walked back into the Men's dept. to regain my Machismo. Then I went back to where I left them, rolled them into a men's shirt, and walked to the dressing rooms.

Trying to suck my cheeks in to look more like Bowie.

I showed the attendant the hangers- "I got four clothes."

She said "Give them to me."

"Why?"

"I need to check them," she stated annoyed with me.

At this point I thought of running for it.

"Must you?" I deplored.

"Yes." She said in her robotic tone, as dept. store clerkary for 20 years had stolen her soul.

I gave her the clothes. She patted them down. "Oh good," I thought, "That's all she needed to do, to check them for stolen goods."

Then in front of everyone else waiting to get in, she hangs them up on a bar for everyone to see. Black and grey women's tights dangling as she frisks them like kids at a rock concert. A sticky little child behind me cried out laughing at me. Teenagers giggled. A woman fainted.

"You can go in," said the clerk, unaware of the riot and embarrassment she had caused me. She even passed me a judgemental eye that glared "Here's another pervert" at me.

I didn't give her a tip.

Tights- running the risk of forever being mocked for saying this- are the most comfortable things I have ever worn. Sure they ride around weird, and show a lot, but they feel really good. I get David Duchovny's character in Twin Peaks. I wouldn't want to go as far as he, but a little rock star like cross dressing has a certain fit. Not that I would do it everyday, just halloween, and bed. I wore a lot of layers under there though... If you're not sure why, then ask your parents.

I had two gorgeous ladies help me out with the make-up. I was a hit at the party I went to. I don't know if I will do it again for actual Halloween, but it was fun. Many people had their pictures taken with me that I had never met. I stole three babies to turn them into Goblins. Although I didn't get a date with Jennifer Connely, whom I did this all for, I think that it was a success.

You remind me of the Babe.

Random Thoughts while waiting for school Applications to go through. (Originally published in 2011)

I have five different applications for five different schools out. I put out the ones for the CSU system late October, and some in November. People I know that have had lower GPA's have already been accepted, although they applied much earlier than I have. I am always kind of neurotic about applying, and filling out papers. I have this fear that a minuscule error will result in the absolute rejection of what I have done. I go back and forth and cross all the t's and dot the lower case j's. But I know due to my own uniqueness I still err quite often. This lack of communication between the schools and myself only feeds my worries, and my neuroses.

I had to wait more than three months when I applied for my mission. It was a long wait. Most of my friends at the time received their mission calls within weeks of submitting it. Not me, for I had to wait it out. I suppose that God was trying my patience, which he did. So perhaps this is a trial of my own patience. So I recall that period of my life.

Every application I put out I applied toward a different program that I am qualified for. Typically I like to control my own destiny, but I prayed and felt I should put a little more faith into God and let him decide. So one of the reasons I am growing impatient is because I want to know what path I am going to take for the rest of my life.

Then whenever I really start to stress out about the whole thing I start to think of the worst case scenario- I don't get accepted and have to do it again. As much as I hate filling out applications its not all that bad. Plus if I do it again, it gives me time to get more classes letting me into better programs, and I can apply to some of the schools that I really want to. I have learned over time that facing up to our fears and allowing our worlds fall apart around us sometimes is the best thing. We lose that fear, and its fear that holds us back, creating unrealistic boundaries, keeping us from happiness. That's what I really want is to be happy. That is why I went back to school, to progress in a way that will make me happy. I don't really care about a degree any more, or an awesome career, but about how I live my life. I want to live up to my standards, and my God's. As Ghandi said "happiness is when we align what we think with what we do." I wanted to gain intelligence so I went back to school, and I did. I will attempt to get a degree as a sign that I have gained intelligence, and allow me to get better paid, but its only a sign to the world, I don't need it to prove anything to myself.

BED

Why is it so hard to get out of bed in the morning? Niezche used this fact to counter John Stuart Mill's and other Utilitarian philosophers in their idea that life is about seeking pain. Nietzche felt life was more about pain, and the fact that we stay in bed so often is our way of avoiding it. The doll drum of daily toil and work becomes monotonous and painful, yet we bear with it. So often we wish that we could stay in our dream lands just like Leonardo DiCaprio in Inception.

Fear of facing those horrible unfinished tasks from the day before. When I laid my head down I was so eager to get back to them, and now I feel as though they are a weight and burden I would rather avoid. Often I feel that I am extrovert seeking other people at night. And then that I am an introvert in the morning, wishing to avoid all others. Like a child I often prolong going back to bed knowing full well that when I wake up I will not have the enthusiasm for a project that I had before.

I also feel like a different person in the morning. My emotions are different completely sometimes. I can go to bed feeling like "I'm single! I answer to no one." Then I will wake up and be like "Mwah, I'm single. I have no one to answer to, or think of me." It's a rather stunning and bizarre phenomena. Don't get me wrong, I love sleeping, but c'mon body and mind. 

Back to where I started...

I'm restarting this blog up. I haven't made any posts in quite sometime. About a year ago I even went so far as to retire it, hiding it completely. Mostly because when I moved out of the East Bay and into the West I wanted to start a new life-Tabula Rasa-hiding myself, and the person I had been in favor of a new life. A very Romantic idea. On the show Lost many of the characters tried to do the same thing on the island in which they were trapped. Unfortunetaly for them they found out that you can't escape the past because you carry it around with you. That's what happened with me in many ways. I tried to escape myself, only to have it show up as emotional baggage; which is worse. Then in an effort to hide myself I didn't open myself up to people, killing off a few relationships before they started.

So why the blog? How is this me opening up? I suppose its another outlet to open myself up to, though I don't know who is going to read this. It is as likely some stranger in Germany will stumble upon this as it is a friend, or a potential future GF.

I think it was important for me to reopen this blog. I deleted a few old posts, but all of them are amateurish and embarrassing. I can't figure out why I was as open as I was, or why I thought the way I did. But here it is, in all its glory. I needed to open this up to, in a sense, help open myself up.

I retook the "5 Love Language" test thingy. I like touch, but in truth I only like touch when its from someone I like. That's not really my love language. When I lived in Oakland people knew I didn't like touching, then I moved to SF and I became more touchy feely. I'm not going to say why, but I have moderated. Touch is not my love language, its Quality time, and words of affirmation. In Quality time you want someone to pay attention to you, and you to them. Just focus, no tv, cell phone, etc. The two of you just talk. When I was all touchy, I lost that, and again denied a part of me. So I think I am trying to blog again as another way to connect. Words of affirmation are appreciated.