Guy Fawkes, or the 2nd of November

So there we were, at a bon-fire on the beach. The sun had gone down, and it was cool enough without being too cool so we could enjoy the night. The moon wasn't full, but if you looked at it not right it looked full. We had gathered together as a small group to observe Guy Fawkes day three days early, because who wants to observe something on a Monday with work in the morning when you can do it on a Friday night with no consequences in the morning.

After the traditional lighting of an effigagy fireworks were handed out. A fun display of wanton reckless abandon that we do. To get a good shot I went underneath someone as they were using a firework, they asked me if I thought I would be safer else where. I replied "Im good." After the firework narrowly avoided my face I moved.

Then the police showed up. The officer asked everyone to settle down and listen to him. It was a big group, so I told everyone to be quiet while he spoke.

He said that the "illegal" bonfire and fireworks where enough to cite us all a hefty fine. He, however, would wave it all if we cleared out in 60 seconds and put the fire out.

Everyone went back to talking and chatting, standing in place. I looked at the cop, then I looked at the crowd, back at the cop, and so on for about 10 seconds.

"Hey, you guys need to get out of here or else this cop is going to give us all a $200 fine!" I yelled.

Then, and only then, in its simplicity did people catch on to what was happening and started to leave. I grabbed the trash of firework boxes and ran them to the trash as other people headed to the parking lot. We start grabbing sand and throwing it on the fire. The cop doesn't like that, he wants us to use water. Water, of course, comes from the ocean. For that someone went to get the bucket. More on that in a second.

I stand off the beach in the lot looking back at the fire. I can see its still burning and others are standing there talking to the cop. I decide to run back and check it out and make sure everything is ok.

As I am running back I see a girl, and she is flirting with some guy midway. I think to myself, thats weird-why not go back to the parking lot? Then I think nothing more of it till I get back to the fire.

"Where is the bucket?" I ask.

"(INSERT NAME) went to go get it." Someone responds.

"I passed her flirting with some guy on my way here."

"(INSERT NAME) GET OVER HERE!" They all yell.

The cop was nice enough, and patient with us. Probably because we were the only people on the beach who were not drunk. Anyway, she gets there with the bucket, somewhat exhausted, and states she will not be going to the ocean.

Now, I have been to these beach bonfires before and keep learning  circular lessons which cancel each other out. Don't wear nice clothes because sand wears them out, the ocean gets them wet, and they smell like bonfire for weeks. Then if I wear "grungy" clothes I look like a serial killer. I guess I don't have moderate clothing. That day I decided to wear my best jeans, my best shirt, and my favorite shoes-a pair of New Balance running shoes that are black, grey, and orange. I also had my expensive camera with me in its bag.

"I'll do!" I declare without a thought.

I grab the bucket and run out toward the water. After running for awhile I realize that its low tide, meaning I have to go far out there to get to where its deep enough to fill up the bucket. I stop to take off my shoes, roll up my pants, and then I tie the laces and fling them around my neck like a scarf or a necklace. I go out into the water hoping my pants stay dry. 

I throw the bucket down as the tide goes out, the exiting water begins to fill the bucket and the strong tide forces me to keep a hand on it. As I wait I see a spot of orange in the water. Then I think, that spot of orange looks familiar, and its in the shape of an N. An N like a New Balance logo. And as the N bobs up and down in the water I realize its attached to a shoe, my shoe. My shoe fell in the water.

With the hand not on the bucket I make my way for the shoe. Suddenly I feel my camera bag slide its way across my back. It dangles over the water, barely missing the top. I panic. I twist. The current gets stronger, and its pulling the bucket away from me. The tide grabs my shoe, and pulls it away from me. I can't lose either, so I twist and grab my shoe and pull myself up with the bucket.

I run all the way back to the fire. I see the cop, and without thinking, standing up wind, I through the water on to the fire. I feel hot steam blow out of the fire and across my upper torso, my flesh burning. My reward.

Guy Fawkes, I now get why they burn you every year you stinking jerk. Yes I will remember, remember, the fifth of November, as it was on the  observed on the second. 

Names and specifics have been left out for peoples privacy and safety. Also there is some slight exaggeration in the story, and by not using names people cannot call me out as easily.

David Bowie and Me.

"Turn back Sarah, before it's too late!"

A couple weeks ago I was feeling a little down. School has been rough this semester. My dating life has died. My social life has pretty much died. I was getting amped for Halloween, but was wanting to watch it financially. I've never made/gotten a big costume before, and I have always wanted one. I always thought that it would be fun to have an elaborate costume for Halloween, making me the talking sensation of the night.

So as I went through the usual suspects of costumes -(i.e. Groucho Marx, Charlie Chaplin, Abe Lincoln,) costumes that don't require a lot of stuff I do not already have- I came to a realization. I'm single and I don't really answer to anyone- except my teachers- why not just make an elaborate and crazy costume? So I did some online research; late at night of course.

So around one in the morning I realized that I was never going to commit during the day, and I should just order the pieces then while I was not in a right frame of mind as I was sleep deprived. As I woke up that morning I realized what I had done- I spent my rice money on a David Bowie costume. Meaning that I would have nothing to eat for three weeks, and there was the possibility of the tights revealing too much of my bod. I logged on and cancelled the orders and waited for their response; all cancelled except for the two most expensive items.

I was locked in, and there was no turning back. I was to be Jarreth from Labyrinth. My number one Halloween costume choice for the past ten years. I was going to accomplish one of my dreams and bucket list items, "What what."(Imagine me raising the roof in a geeky Tina Fey style.)

One of the only items I did not order was the tights. They are actually hard to find for under $30 online, and I did not want to pay that much for them. By a stroke of luck I found some at Ross. I walked passed the Women's dept. 3 times before I summoned the courage to actually go in. Whenever a heterosexual male enters into Women's or a Child's dept. he is afraid of being accused of being some kinda weirdo and pervert, even if we are not. True Story. I found some tights, clumped them together and then walked back into the Men's dept. to regain my Machismo. Then I went back to where I left them, rolled them into a men's shirt, and walked to the dressing rooms.

Trying to suck my cheeks in to look more like Bowie.

I showed the attendant the hangers- "I got four clothes."

She said "Give them to me."

"Why?"

"I need to check them," she stated annoyed with me.

At this point I thought of running for it.

"Must you?" I deplored.

"Yes." She said in her robotic tone, as dept. store clerkary for 20 years had stolen her soul.

I gave her the clothes. She patted them down. "Oh good," I thought, "That's all she needed to do, to check them for stolen goods."

Then in front of everyone else waiting to get in, she hangs them up on a bar for everyone to see. Black and grey women's tights dangling as she frisks them like kids at a rock concert. A sticky little child behind me cried out laughing at me. Teenagers giggled. A woman fainted.

"You can go in," said the clerk, unaware of the riot and embarrassment she had caused me. She even passed me a judgemental eye that glared "Here's another pervert" at me.

I didn't give her a tip.

Tights- running the risk of forever being mocked for saying this- are the most comfortable things I have ever worn. Sure they ride around weird, and show a lot, but they feel really good. I get David Duchovny's character in Twin Peaks. I wouldn't want to go as far as he, but a little rock star like cross dressing has a certain fit. Not that I would do it everyday, just halloween, and bed. I wore a lot of layers under there though... If you're not sure why, then ask your parents.

I had two gorgeous ladies help me out with the make-up. I was a hit at the party I went to. I don't know if I will do it again for actual Halloween, but it was fun. Many people had their pictures taken with me that I had never met. I stole three babies to turn them into Goblins. Although I didn't get a date with Jennifer Connely, whom I did this all for, I think that it was a success.

You remind me of the Babe.

Random Thoughts while waiting for school Applications to go through. (Originally published in 2011)

I have five different applications for five different schools out. I put out the ones for the CSU system late October, and some in November. People I know that have had lower GPA's have already been accepted, although they applied much earlier than I have. I am always kind of neurotic about applying, and filling out papers. I have this fear that a minuscule error will result in the absolute rejection of what I have done. I go back and forth and cross all the t's and dot the lower case j's. But I know due to my own uniqueness I still err quite often. This lack of communication between the schools and myself only feeds my worries, and my neuroses.

I had to wait more than three months when I applied for my mission. It was a long wait. Most of my friends at the time received their mission calls within weeks of submitting it. Not me, for I had to wait it out. I suppose that God was trying my patience, which he did. So perhaps this is a trial of my own patience. So I recall that period of my life.

Every application I put out I applied toward a different program that I am qualified for. Typically I like to control my own destiny, but I prayed and felt I should put a little more faith into God and let him decide. So one of the reasons I am growing impatient is because I want to know what path I am going to take for the rest of my life.

Then whenever I really start to stress out about the whole thing I start to think of the worst case scenario- I don't get accepted and have to do it again. As much as I hate filling out applications its not all that bad. Plus if I do it again, it gives me time to get more classes letting me into better programs, and I can apply to some of the schools that I really want to. I have learned over time that facing up to our fears and allowing our worlds fall apart around us sometimes is the best thing. We lose that fear, and its fear that holds us back, creating unrealistic boundaries, keeping us from happiness. That's what I really want is to be happy. That is why I went back to school, to progress in a way that will make me happy. I don't really care about a degree any more, or an awesome career, but about how I live my life. I want to live up to my standards, and my God's. As Ghandi said "happiness is when we align what we think with what we do." I wanted to gain intelligence so I went back to school, and I did. I will attempt to get a degree as a sign that I have gained intelligence, and allow me to get better paid, but its only a sign to the world, I don't need it to prove anything to myself.

BED

Why is it so hard to get out of bed in the morning? Niezche used this fact to counter John Stuart Mill's and other Utilitarian philosophers in their idea that life is about seeking pain. Nietzche felt life was more about pain, and the fact that we stay in bed so often is our way of avoiding it. The doll drum of daily toil and work becomes monotonous and painful, yet we bear with it. So often we wish that we could stay in our dream lands just like Leonardo DiCaprio in Inception.

Fear of facing those horrible unfinished tasks from the day before. When I laid my head down I was so eager to get back to them, and now I feel as though they are a weight and burden I would rather avoid. Often I feel that I am extrovert seeking other people at night. And then that I am an introvert in the morning, wishing to avoid all others. Like a child I often prolong going back to bed knowing full well that when I wake up I will not have the enthusiasm for a project that I had before.

I also feel like a different person in the morning. My emotions are different completely sometimes. I can go to bed feeling like "I'm single! I answer to no one." Then I will wake up and be like "Mwah, I'm single. I have no one to answer to, or think of me." It's a rather stunning and bizarre phenomena. Don't get me wrong, I love sleeping, but c'mon body and mind. 

Back to where I started...

I'm restarting this blog up. I haven't made any posts in quite sometime. About a year ago I even went so far as to retire it, hiding it completely. Mostly because when I moved out of the East Bay and into the West I wanted to start a new life-Tabula Rasa-hiding myself, and the person I had been in favor of a new life. A very Romantic idea. On the show Lost many of the characters tried to do the same thing on the island in which they were trapped. Unfortunetaly for them they found out that you can't escape the past because you carry it around with you. That's what happened with me in many ways. I tried to escape myself, only to have it show up as emotional baggage; which is worse. Then in an effort to hide myself I didn't open myself up to people, killing off a few relationships before they started.

So why the blog? How is this me opening up? I suppose its another outlet to open myself up to, though I don't know who is going to read this. It is as likely some stranger in Germany will stumble upon this as it is a friend, or a potential future GF.

I think it was important for me to reopen this blog. I deleted a few old posts, but all of them are amateurish and embarrassing. I can't figure out why I was as open as I was, or why I thought the way I did. But here it is, in all its glory. I needed to open this up to, in a sense, help open myself up.

I retook the "5 Love Language" test thingy. I like touch, but in truth I only like touch when its from someone I like. That's not really my love language. When I lived in Oakland people knew I didn't like touching, then I moved to SF and I became more touchy feely. I'm not going to say why, but I have moderated. Touch is not my love language, its Quality time, and words of affirmation. In Quality time you want someone to pay attention to you, and you to them. Just focus, no tv, cell phone, etc. The two of you just talk. When I was all touchy, I lost that, and again denied a part of me. So I think I am trying to blog again as another way to connect. Words of affirmation are appreciated.

School, and my personal journey

So...as I prepare to transfer I am beginning to realize several things. About a year and a half ago I started a journey back to school. In this journey I wanted to find out who I was, and what I wanted. I felt that I used to know, but due to personal events in my life that it would be logical if things were to have changed in my life. I wanted to be an artist for most of my life, and that I wanted to be a family man/person. After a divorce, I thought perhaps I didn't want it like that anymore. So I took several classes and was drawn more and more toward psychology, and until recently I believed that is what I was going to do. Either that are go into the film business. Both require a certain personal sacrifice in the effort of the job.

Now, I am beginning to realize that I want to have a more artistic/creative job. I also do not know how long that I can wait to have a family, (granted it is largely out of my hands as I do not even have a girlfriend right now.) So because I wanted to better "understand" myself, I may have added another year or two onto my schedule.

In other words, I went on a journey and found that I should have been were I had started. Boo.

My Personal Philosophy Essay

My Philosophy

I was raised in a religious environment, my family belonging to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and continue to still practice and keep the same faith. In my life and my faith I have had temptations and trials to lead me away. Arguments have been made to me that have been clear, valid, and logical, yet no matter how I feel during these moments that have been presented to me, I continue to come back. I have found truth in “Mormonism” as it is commonly referred to. I have not kept a closed mind in my own search for truth, but I have sought it out in all avenues as I can. The founder of my church, Joseph Smith, said “Have the Presbyterians any truth? Yes. Have the Baptists, Methodists, etc., any truth? Yes. They all have a little truth mixed with error. We should gather all the good and true principles in the world and treasure them up, or we shall not come out true “Mormons.” (Smith, 316) As hard as it is, I have always tried to gather the truth as much as I can. I believe that in the pursuit of truth I can become a better person, and align myself better with the will of God, and give myself greater joy than I could any other way.

There are principles that help me live my philosophy of life more fully. Humility is one such principle. It is one I often struggle with, but I know how important it is to be humble in order to find the truth and live a more righteous and happy life. I try to live with faith in my God, and that in the end things will work out all right no matter how it is at the time. Joy is a huge principle that I try to live by. I can have joy and not be happy, because I believe that joy comes through my actions. Whereas happiness occurs based of off independent actions outside my own realm, or happiness is just a fleeting element brought by petty things such as the novelty of a new toy I bought. Communication with God, as well as communication with myself are principles that cross paths. This can be done in meditation and prayer, but I also include my journal writing in this because often as I write my thoughts and ideas they are better known to me. Practice, I practice my religion through attendance and extra devotion outside of the chapel as well. Sacrifice is a big principle, sacrifice towards God and for my goals. If I cannot sacrifice in order to achieve something, then it shows both God and me that I do not want it. About all of my principles stem from my religion, but I try to carry them over in a way to all around better society.

My relationship with others is the thing that I have valued most in my life. Like Socrates I believe that there is a dualistic universe, that there is the material world in which we toil and an eternal spiritual world (Chaffee, 90). Therefore relationships that I have with others are the thing that I value most in my life, because I believe while much of the material world will fade away, the spirits of those close to me will not, and those relationships will be the only things I have in both worlds. My friends and my family mean everything to me. In my church we believe that through the use of a “sealing” ordinance that families can be together forever, making family relationships all the more meaningful. One day I hope to have a family of my own, and I try to make myself into the kind of a husband and father I think I should be. I have long balanced what matters more to me—my interpersonal relationships, or my own relationship with myself, being objective with my goals or being subjective with those that I love. Through trial and error in my life I have to believe that there is balance in between the two.

The first way to gain a greater sense of truth is to learn. To learn I attend school, church, I read books, and I listen to others as best as I can. John Locke says “All ideas come from sensation or reflection” (251), I have to agree. Not just the sensation of our bodily sense, but I believe that are spirits can “feel” as well, giving us a greater sense of our place in the universe. However, there are limitations to learning, and long ago I realized that in a lifetime no one can read all the books that one may want to. However, I continue to learn, regardless the fact that I cannot have absolute knowledge in this lifetime. The main way to learn is empirically, through our experiences. The experiences that I have had in my life mean more to me than anything that I have read, or heard from others. Yet learning from others is an invaluable resource for there are many situations that I cannot or have not had; such as: what is it to be like a woman, and I have never fought in a war. Therefore it is necessary for me to get a greater understanding by seeking out information from other sources.

Searching, and not just being passive, for truth is another action that I try to take on. Mohandas K. Gandhi entitled his autobiography “The Story of My Experiments with Truth.” I found it a rather curious title when I first saw it, but then realized that it was a fitting title. He wasn’t proclaiming it to be the truth, but an account of his experiences and what he had up to that point found to be true. Gandhi was one to search for the truth, and not be one to be stuck on a particular opinion. Early on he believed in certain Indians violently rebelling against the British regime, but as he progressed he obviously dropped that opinion and started his nonviolent resistance. Searching for truth means going into the world and putting ourselves into new situations, it also looking inward at our lives and events to try to interpret them. We can pray and meditate to do search, not just travel to foreign continents. The search for truth is a troubling path, and coincides with a path for personal growth. One cannot seek the truth and expect not to change.

Humility is both a principle and an action for myself. It is hard for one to search for truth when one thinks that they already have it. It has been said many times by different professors of religion and science that to be humble is to be teachable. When I have been proud in school I was stuck in my ways of thought and of doing things. For example a class was teaching a new way of note taking, but I was proud of my method and hesitant to change. I did try the method though, because I was humble enough that I wanted to know if it would work for me. While I no longer use that method, I still use some elements of it for improved study. Had I not of humbled myself, it wouldn’t have worked as well. I have heard Many preachers say that only God can humble us, but I believe that God gave us the ability to humble ourselves.

I understand a lot of what Jean Paul Sartre wrote about making choices, and living an ethical life, but I differ from him because I do believe in God, whereas he declared that there is no God (Chaffee, 172-182). God does play as a force in our lives to get us to do “good” and be on “righteous paths,” but he does not control us like a puppet master. Like a good parent, God understands that to make a great adult you cannot control him or her when they are still children, otherwise they become dependant. God wants us to do well, but to do it on our own, whether or not he is there. I am a compatabilist in my views of freedom versus determinism. I do believe that God has given us the freedom of choice. In my church we differ doctrinally from other Christian denominations in that we believe that our spirits were created before our bodies, and that we lived with God as spirits before this life. Like other Christian churches we do believe that this life is a test to prove not only to God but to ourselves that we can live with God again. Because this is a test, everything is not predetermined by God, giving us our agency to be accountable for our actions. We can choose to do or not to do several different things based on the knowledge we have and what we believe or feel to be right or wrong.

However, I have learned all to well that without self discipline we can loose our freedom of choice. Persons with substance abuses are the best examples that I can think of, in that they have surrendered their will to the pursuit of drugs and alcohol to obtain what they perceive to be happiness. They do not realize that with discipline they can find happiness in other areas of life that would give them more joy. The majority of actions that an addict will do are based upon obtaining and using drugs. Through self discipline, seeking knowledge, and truth we can rise above the things that will chain us down, and set ourselves free. From my own experiences I know that it is hard work to discipline and refine myself.

Jesus said “whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them” (Holy Bible, Matt 7:12). Everyone talks about the golden rule, and teaches it to children, yet in society few people truly follow this advice. Everyone is seeking out for their own: running red lights, embezzling money, graphitizing public spaces. Are these the cracks of society, or is society falling apart? Any society is dependant on its rules and those in it so follow them or else society will fall apart. I have tried to live by Jesus command and I know how hard it is. To truly master it, and be selfless, I believe it is something to aspire towards. In my search for truth I have followed some of Ayn Rand’s teachings, such as the idea of selfishness, and I believe she has some truth. For one to always be sacrificing is crazy, for one must look after ones own health and needs. However I cannot fully endorse everything that she says, for it is not evil and selfish to be altruistic (Chafee, 404-406). My own experiences have shown me that when I act on my own selfish desires ahead of those that I love that there does come a punishment, emotionally or otherwise. Therefore I need to be true to myself in my life, but live as ethically and altruistically as I can.

My goal is to find the truth, and align myself with it the best I can. Of course there is always the argument of what is the truth, and how do we interpret the truth. I don’t want to argue, I have long felt that arguing the nature of truth to be futile, rarely does anyone truly change what they believe or feel. Gandhi said “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” I have no delusion that I will have a total alignment, unless by a divine intervention, but it is the pursuit of that I am most interested in. Just because I do not have the fullness of truth does not mean that I should not act on what I do know, or what I perceive to be true. I cannot stop and become complacent in any action or any specific thought. While I have stayed with the same church my whole life, and plan on staying in the church, I still need take in as much as I can in order to find the truth and give myself greater joy.

Bibiography

Smith, Joseph Fielding, ed. Utah: Deseret Book Co., 1976. Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith.

Gandhi, Mohandas K. New York: Dover. 1983. Mohandas K. Ghandi Autobiography. The Story of my Experiments with Truth. Cover

Chaffee, John. New York: Pearson. 2011. The Philosophers Way.

Holy Bible: King James Version. United States: 1979.

Gandhi, Mahatma. Famous Quotes and Authors. 2 November 2010. http://www.famousquotesandauthors.com/authors/mahatma_gandhi_quotes.html