Anxiety and Life

I took a walk/train ride to the ocean the other night. I've been having trouble focusing. I've been anxious about graduation. I don't feel ready, realizing that no one ever does. There's something daunting about the end. At the same time I feel so relived that I will be a free man again. I will be able to get a job and start paying off my loans and saving money. I haven't worked in a year, having chosen to focus on school. I don't regret it, but its been hard for me to do much else.

Mortality has been haunting me lately. The fact that I will die. I turn thirty this summer. I feel like that snuck up on me. Someone reminded me that tall people usually have shorter life spans, so technically I may already be middle aged. There is so much that I want to do with my life, but at times I move so slow. Its hard.

I think that's why I went to the beach. To try and escape my mortal despair for a little bit. To see a piece of this beautiful world instead of sitting around for a few more seconds. Reminding me that I am part of something bigger. Reminding me that there is organization and that God is out there waiting for me. The best thing to do about despair and anxiety is get up and do something. They only set in when we do nothing. 

I'm grateful for the ocean. That I can simply jump on a train and be there in ten minutes.

The Beginning of the End

First day back, enjoying the sun.

I just finished my first week of my last semester at State. I officially have attended all my classes for the first time. I have begun filling out my graduation papers. I'm making loose plans for post graduation, as to where I'll be, what I'll do.

Its weird. After I spent all this time and effort to get back into school, to get into film school even, to get to where I am, and now to almost be finished its like this big part of me is ending. This degree has been a big design and purpose of my life, and for it to be over it is as though a piece of me is dying.

I'm not looking at it as though death is bad, but a natural progression. "School John" is over but another John will take his place. Another apt metaphor would be for me to say this book is closing, but I'll start another one soon enough.

This next "book" that I'm writing is sure to be one that I am looking forward to reading. Its contents and direction are unknown to me, but I like the characters in it. I know some pretty interesting stuff will happen, and it should be a good read.

Schools back for winter.

That being said, the current book still has at least one more chapter in it. So I'll have to get through that first. I signed up for 15 units, and I'm trying to keep myself from adding even more. There is this big part of me that is a glutton for punishment. I enjoy pushing myself harder and harder. Last semester I thought I would break at one point, and I swore I would take this semester easy. When registration came I forgot all about that (or chose to ignore it.) Its a good load though. I feel confident and excited for this semester. I have more friends this last semester than I did at any other point (I took forever to get out of my emo/moody/angst ridden despair to try to connect with people at all.) I like most of my teachers, taking classes from many of my past favorites this semester, with only two new ones. (I actually have liked about all of my teachers, I'm really soft like that.)




So with that, here I go.

Staring off into the horizon.

Random Thoughts on New Stuff

My new Vibrams!

There have been a lot of changes for me this week. For those of you who didn't know, I got robbed on Christmas Day; I didn't find out until the day after. They took my external hard drive with all my raw film footage on it, and I am taking an editing course- so now I have to shoot a whole new movie for the class. They also took one of my favorite saddle bags, and not one-but two-pairs of Vibram running shoes.

 I love Vibram running shoes, and that's all I like to run in. It forces you to run "properly" to avoid injury, plus I just like the feel. Walking around barefoot is so much more comfortable than walking around with thick shoes-which we only do for safety reasons. So I was upset when I got home, because I had big running plans. I ordered a discounted pair of Vibrams from REI.com, and they came in on Monday. It took 8 days to get here, Amazon has spoiled me. But, It's been fun running in them. Love them.


If you are interested more in "barefoot" running I would highly recommend that you read "Born to Run." That book was recommended to me by my friend Scott. Thanks Scott.

Many people may not know that I have been primarily an "analogue" person for awhile. I only got my DSLR about a year ago, preferring to use a film SLR. I got the DSLR because I can film on it, helping me in school a bit. I have a record player, preferring the sound of Vinyl to that of MP3's or even CDs. (If you haven't heard music on Vinyl then you haven't heard music-and if you don't appreciate vinyl then you don't appreciate music.) I even have a kindle (which I use) but I buy an awful lot of books. I have had a cell phone, but avoided smart phones for awhile now. So the next part may come as a shock to some of you. And yes, you are right in thinking I have sold out.

The box of infinite potential.

The instructions.

So this week I got the iPhone 4S. Some people will retort that Android phones are better. Others will say I should have gotten the iPhone5. To all of you I will only simply and elegantly state "Shut Up." This is a big deal for me. I didn't have a Nintendo growing up.  I didn't get a lot of fancy stuff until I started getting it for myself. I never even got a Smart Phone for myself (this was kind of a present from my parents, early graduation sort of.) So some of you haters should cool your jets, let me be happy. And if you really want to debate this with me, I'm telling you know that a tap to your nose is my first counter argument. (Ok, maybe nothing so brutal, but you get the point right?)

Babies first charge. Kinda looks like the obelisk from
2001: A Space Odyssey dont she?

My greatest Smart-Phone fear is that I will turn into everybody else. Meaning, that my nose will always be in my phone. That'll I'll be constantly on FB, (which I do already-so maybe that fear is void?), constantly texting, constantly looking up useless facts. If I become one of those people, please rescue me. Hopefully I have enough discipline until then to get through it. 

To tie it all in, here I am post jogging taking a pic of myself with my iPhone.

2012: My Year In Review

Here I am on Alcatraz NY's Eve. I'll let you assert some metaphor here for 2012 and Alcatraz's relationship.

 I have a theory that as we get older we learn nothing new, but relearn many harsh life lessons again and again. This year was no different. Many lessons I relearned several times throughout the course of the year.

 Communication is key. In dating, business, art, and school. Clarifying questions are good. Making sure that you understand the other person as well as you can, and making sure that they understand you. If anything is unclear do not just walk away, ask a billion questions. Don’t be afraid of upsetting them now with said questions, instead be afraid of upsetting them even more later on when they realize you have no idea what they meant in actuality. 

Also try to be as plain and simple when you are communicating. No doubt, if you have read my blogs you are aware at times I struggle with this. Yet, by making things simple it becomes easier to relay the key and necessary things we are communicating to others. I missed out on some really good opportunities this year because I could not communicate efficiently. I thought the other party was not interested in myself, and therefore walked away, only to find later I had a chance. 

 I’m a man. By this I don’t mean that I need a woman in the kitchen to make me a sandwich; nothing so wrong as that, but that I an adult. So often this year I have stated I am a man-child when I am not. Man-children live in a perpetual state of anxiety, according to Kierkegaard. They do all they can to prolong change, or growing up as we might say. While often I hesitate with change, I let it wash over me. Meaning, I may sleep in some days but I still get shit done. I don’t waste my time playing video games, and watching pointless movies. When I watch movies its usually for school, and it has become more of a chore to watch movies. I do things for my own self-development, not for distraction. I work on things, and try not to get too distracted. I no longer believe that I am a man-child, for I am a man. (Growing an awesome beard helps this point too.) 

I need to stop overthinking things. Like number one, I have missed out on great opportunities because of my perpetual overthinking nature. While having a high degree of anxiety can be good for getting things done, it can also shut myself down. It becomes hard to get up in the morning; it becomes intense to go into social interactions. Life is not that bad, and it is not that intense. If you screw one thing up, a second thing will come along. I have lived long enough to see and realize this. I have talked myself out of dates before they have even happened; I have talked myself out of jobs I haven’t applied to, etc.
 Its stupid, my mind is not some elaborate computer that can create simulations with a 97.5 success rate of accuracy. I need to have the experience before I can make decisions. This state of anxiety is what is likely to allow me to become a man-child. It is simply enough to do sometimes, and not everything I do needs have an elaborate plan and execution.3.) Then again- plans are good. So often I feel like so much of my life is planned out that I go through these periods of not wanting to plan anything out, or not keep track of things. Usually that’s when stuff in life reminds me why planning is so important. I still have trouble with it, I wish I could just live life one day at a time, but if you want progress or change or good things in your life you have to plan and keep to said plans.  

I need to be more sociable and assertive. State plainly what I want, and go for it. I let my anxieties flower up my words. There is nothing to fear from people, and if they don’t like me screw them. I’m a really awesome person, and have really awesome friends that will back me up with that. I am a talented and magical person- yes you read right I am full of magic! So I just need to be myself and be awesome, its what comes most naturally to me.
   

Sometimes you have to let go, even people close to you. I think I finally got over an ex-flame this year. She had to force herself back into my life begging to be friends again, and I watched as she disregarded said friendship. It helped me get over her because she was such a tool to me in the end, but also that I can do better. I stated before, just because something doesn’t work out the way you wanted does not mean the end of the world, other opportunities rise up in the ashes of our failures. That is the greatest lesson of all life while we live. (See six.)

Several movies and stories I saw this year, including the Dark Knight Rises, have been about the act of letting go. Holding on to things, like pain, can be so hurtful to our souls. The pain caused by other people is but for a moment, but our eternal pain is caused when we refuse to let go of it. We allow it to transform ourselves into horrible things, and when we let go we become beautiful again. It carries over to good emotions too by holding onto a dead love we can corrupt ourselves just as much.
 So often I would have stayed in bad relationships, and let them tear me down if it weren’t for family and friends to drag me away from them. I feel like I am finally mature enough to just walk by myself. Of course, it still sucks and still hurts, but I can do it. 

 Everything that fails burns has a phoenix rise out of its ashes. Just because things are so bad does not mean they will always be, nor does it mean that the best times are behind us. We will find better things out there, and life continually becomes more amazing as along as we assert ourselves into it. Sometimes its because the world changes, and sometimes its because we change and we see things differently than we saw them before. 

I need to exist on my own, outside of my family, friends, and relationships. This gives me a concrete idea of who I am, and what I want. Without this then I am nothing. School is good for this, but also having adventures by myself. Going out and doing things, seeing things, having experiences. Too often we can sit idly by waiting for those in our lives to come a save us from boredom, but we need to be our own relief. Once we do that, then we can relieve others of their own boredom. Otherwise being only a part of the collective means dependence upon the collective, and surviving without it means death. Both in a literal, emotional, and spiritual sense. Having some dependence upon others is healthy, but a complete is not. (This is the statement I have the most trouble articulating. I hope it has some sense of clarity, if not let me know.)

The overall theme, if you haven’t guessed, is one of anxiety. I know that I am not alone in stating that 2012 was a year of anxiety. Many people thought the world would end due to a misinterpretation of a Mayan Calendar, so many end of the world stories have begun or are being marketed. It’s our times, and our generation. Still, it is something to be worked on. Anxiety can be such a damaging thing, and I, personally, would regret it if I gave into all my fears.

The End of a Long Semester

School's been stressful for me lately. Unfortunately my friends have had to hear me rant and cry about it. Lost a lot of machismo points for being so whiny. This post isn't about me whining but about things just working out. There is a lot of stuff I can talk about school for the last few weeks, but I'll try to keep short.

First of, there was one class that was really stressful. I got weirdly competitive at the beginning of it; hoping that MY script would be picked and I would direct. After my script didn't get picked, I had a lot of weird ideas in my head about art and film. Honestly, I've had a lot of weird ideas this last year. But I decided not to direct, because there was enough for me to deal with in life and other classes. I figured I would just take a back job, and have it easy. Instead I ended up being the Art Director for the entire movie, and it was a Zombie film about a Marathon and a Non-Profit. There was a lot of Art needing to be directed... Needless to say things didn't go easy for me. There was a lot of blood, sweat, and tears put into it.

As it got closer to the shoot I thought that everyone would feel that the movie was a failure and that it would be my fault. I was trying to make it as professional as I could, but I never really worked on a professional set, and I had to figure a lot of stuff out. People were helping me, and as it got closer to the shoot more and more people helped me out, people in class, and outside that just wanted to help out some students. Still, there was a lot of stuff, and my stress level was rising. One person that was helping me told me to remember to have fun, that it's all about having fun. The night before that finally set in, and when the shoot happened I had fun. Sure not everything went according to plan, but things worked out. The pinnacle for me was when my teacher thanked me personally, telling me that I did a good job. Some how in school you don't get told a lot that you did a good job, in the arts I feel like I don't get enough "good jobs." There is this constant weight, even by my own self, for perfection. So to finally be told that I did a good job was very reaffirming that I am where I needed to be. It made me super emotional to get thanked.

Another big thing has been trying to get classes that I want/need. I officially only need one more class to graduate, then there are several classes that I want for fun/technical skills. There was one directing class that I really wanted, and I was banking on getting it. It was a sure thing, at least I thought so, because I am a graduating senior and have taken other classes that would make me a shoe in. I didn't get in. I did get in to several other classes. I really wanted to get into Editing, Writing for Actors Class, and an Experimental Documentary class. I really wanted to take Experimental Doc, but figured if I got into Directing and the other two I wouldn't. Honestly I wanted it more than Directing. Even though I was hurt I didn't get into Directing, I am now counting my blessings that I got into the ones I did. Even more I feel like God got me what I wanted more than what I thought I wanted, because this is what I need. For myself, and my future film career. This semester has been tough, one of the toughest of my adult school career, but it is what I needed.

Nietzche and the Family Circus on Marriage

When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory.

Guy Fawkes, or the 2nd of November

So there we were, at a bon-fire on the beach. The sun had gone down, and it was cool enough without being too cool so we could enjoy the night. The moon wasn't full, but if you looked at it not right it looked full. We had gathered together as a small group to observe Guy Fawkes day three days early, because who wants to observe something on a Monday with work in the morning when you can do it on a Friday night with no consequences in the morning.

After the traditional lighting of an effigagy fireworks were handed out. A fun display of wanton reckless abandon that we do. To get a good shot I went underneath someone as they were using a firework, they asked me if I thought I would be safer else where. I replied "Im good." After the firework narrowly avoided my face I moved.

Then the police showed up. The officer asked everyone to settle down and listen to him. It was a big group, so I told everyone to be quiet while he spoke.

He said that the "illegal" bonfire and fireworks where enough to cite us all a hefty fine. He, however, would wave it all if we cleared out in 60 seconds and put the fire out.

Everyone went back to talking and chatting, standing in place. I looked at the cop, then I looked at the crowd, back at the cop, and so on for about 10 seconds.

"Hey, you guys need to get out of here or else this cop is going to give us all a $200 fine!" I yelled.

Then, and only then, in its simplicity did people catch on to what was happening and started to leave. I grabbed the trash of firework boxes and ran them to the trash as other people headed to the parking lot. We start grabbing sand and throwing it on the fire. The cop doesn't like that, he wants us to use water. Water, of course, comes from the ocean. For that someone went to get the bucket. More on that in a second.

I stand off the beach in the lot looking back at the fire. I can see its still burning and others are standing there talking to the cop. I decide to run back and check it out and make sure everything is ok.

As I am running back I see a girl, and she is flirting with some guy midway. I think to myself, thats weird-why not go back to the parking lot? Then I think nothing more of it till I get back to the fire.

"Where is the bucket?" I ask.

"(INSERT NAME) went to go get it." Someone responds.

"I passed her flirting with some guy on my way here."

"(INSERT NAME) GET OVER HERE!" They all yell.

The cop was nice enough, and patient with us. Probably because we were the only people on the beach who were not drunk. Anyway, she gets there with the bucket, somewhat exhausted, and states she will not be going to the ocean.

Now, I have been to these beach bonfires before and keep learning  circular lessons which cancel each other out. Don't wear nice clothes because sand wears them out, the ocean gets them wet, and they smell like bonfire for weeks. Then if I wear "grungy" clothes I look like a serial killer. I guess I don't have moderate clothing. That day I decided to wear my best jeans, my best shirt, and my favorite shoes-a pair of New Balance running shoes that are black, grey, and orange. I also had my expensive camera with me in its bag.

"I'll do!" I declare without a thought.

I grab the bucket and run out toward the water. After running for awhile I realize that its low tide, meaning I have to go far out there to get to where its deep enough to fill up the bucket. I stop to take off my shoes, roll up my pants, and then I tie the laces and fling them around my neck like a scarf or a necklace. I go out into the water hoping my pants stay dry. 

I throw the bucket down as the tide goes out, the exiting water begins to fill the bucket and the strong tide forces me to keep a hand on it. As I wait I see a spot of orange in the water. Then I think, that spot of orange looks familiar, and its in the shape of an N. An N like a New Balance logo. And as the N bobs up and down in the water I realize its attached to a shoe, my shoe. My shoe fell in the water.

With the hand not on the bucket I make my way for the shoe. Suddenly I feel my camera bag slide its way across my back. It dangles over the water, barely missing the top. I panic. I twist. The current gets stronger, and its pulling the bucket away from me. The tide grabs my shoe, and pulls it away from me. I can't lose either, so I twist and grab my shoe and pull myself up with the bucket.

I run all the way back to the fire. I see the cop, and without thinking, standing up wind, I through the water on to the fire. I feel hot steam blow out of the fire and across my upper torso, my flesh burning. My reward.

Guy Fawkes, I now get why they burn you every year you stinking jerk. Yes I will remember, remember, the fifth of November, as it was on the  observed on the second. 

Names and specifics have been left out for peoples privacy and safety. Also there is some slight exaggeration in the story, and by not using names people cannot call me out as easily.