It is coming up two years from my divorce/separation. I remember when I was married I really was looking forward to my two year anniversary, but I never got to see it. I am still single after all this time. I have dated, but after I went through all the emotional states, (regret, anger, I cannot remember them all,) now I feel kind of empowered. You know how woman after they get over being out of a bad relationship, they become empowered. I feel like I am an empowered man. I miss having someone with me, just the companionship, knowing someone is there for me and everything, but that is just how we are designed as humans. However I enjoy the freedom I have. I don't have to report to anyone, (sometimes my Dad if I am away for periods of time since I live with him, fair is fair.) I don't go over my spendings with anyone else, my daily activities, no one regiments my life but me. If you ever do this with a person who you disagree with it is a terrible experience.
I love those books with titles like "Smart Woman who make bad Choices," but they are all aimed for a female audience. So I am working on a book "Smart Men who make bad Choices." I have to empower men! Viva La Revolucion!!! Okay, I am not planning a revolution, but just because I or others have made terrible mistakes in life it does not mean we are not intelligent or bad at relationships.
My therapists told me I should not beat myself up to bad, because it was all physiological/ chemical. I understand what he was saying but do not fully agree. I need to believe that I had a choice, even if it was a bad one. I am not just some puppet whose destiny is all drawn out thanks to biochemicals. I am more than that, I am thinking, changing and constantly evolving. I was head over heels for her and rushed into something that I should have waited longer to do. I get really freaked out when I see young people rush off to get married, it is risky, and in the long run painful. Anyway, I believe I made my choices, and I will continue to, but that my feelings have played a big part in what I have done. That is why I have been studying self-discipline, I have always felt that overcoming feelings was a more enlightened way of approaching things. Now I wish to practice it. (Perhaps another blog I will talk more about it, and my personal beliefs.)
Being empowered gives me a better idea of who I am, and who I want to be, which is a big part of becoming disciplined. I could not have done that in my previous relationship, and why I do not want to be in one right now. I do not know if I was in one, if I could continue to change and challenge me the way that I want to. To become the person I want to be. I know there appears to be a logic gap in there, but I am shortening the argument, don't worry about it.
Fortunately I have a lot of time I recon. I will take it all slow. I have another four to nine years of schooling, and I do not want to get married until I am way deeper into school, or more likely done with it all. I do not know what is in store for me, and what God has in my path. I will take all things in with consideration and council from Him. I have my plan, but as James Bond said, "Never say never."
No comments:
Post a Comment