2012: My Year In Review

Here I am on Alcatraz NY's Eve. I'll let you assert some metaphor here for 2012 and Alcatraz's relationship.

 I have a theory that as we get older we learn nothing new, but relearn many harsh life lessons again and again. This year was no different. Many lessons I relearned several times throughout the course of the year.

 Communication is key. In dating, business, art, and school. Clarifying questions are good. Making sure that you understand the other person as well as you can, and making sure that they understand you. If anything is unclear do not just walk away, ask a billion questions. Don’t be afraid of upsetting them now with said questions, instead be afraid of upsetting them even more later on when they realize you have no idea what they meant in actuality. 

Also try to be as plain and simple when you are communicating. No doubt, if you have read my blogs you are aware at times I struggle with this. Yet, by making things simple it becomes easier to relay the key and necessary things we are communicating to others. I missed out on some really good opportunities this year because I could not communicate efficiently. I thought the other party was not interested in myself, and therefore walked away, only to find later I had a chance. 

 I’m a man. By this I don’t mean that I need a woman in the kitchen to make me a sandwich; nothing so wrong as that, but that I an adult. So often this year I have stated I am a man-child when I am not. Man-children live in a perpetual state of anxiety, according to Kierkegaard. They do all they can to prolong change, or growing up as we might say. While often I hesitate with change, I let it wash over me. Meaning, I may sleep in some days but I still get shit done. I don’t waste my time playing video games, and watching pointless movies. When I watch movies its usually for school, and it has become more of a chore to watch movies. I do things for my own self-development, not for distraction. I work on things, and try not to get too distracted. I no longer believe that I am a man-child, for I am a man. (Growing an awesome beard helps this point too.) 

I need to stop overthinking things. Like number one, I have missed out on great opportunities because of my perpetual overthinking nature. While having a high degree of anxiety can be good for getting things done, it can also shut myself down. It becomes hard to get up in the morning; it becomes intense to go into social interactions. Life is not that bad, and it is not that intense. If you screw one thing up, a second thing will come along. I have lived long enough to see and realize this. I have talked myself out of dates before they have even happened; I have talked myself out of jobs I haven’t applied to, etc.
 Its stupid, my mind is not some elaborate computer that can create simulations with a 97.5 success rate of accuracy. I need to have the experience before I can make decisions. This state of anxiety is what is likely to allow me to become a man-child. It is simply enough to do sometimes, and not everything I do needs have an elaborate plan and execution.3.) Then again- plans are good. So often I feel like so much of my life is planned out that I go through these periods of not wanting to plan anything out, or not keep track of things. Usually that’s when stuff in life reminds me why planning is so important. I still have trouble with it, I wish I could just live life one day at a time, but if you want progress or change or good things in your life you have to plan and keep to said plans.  

I need to be more sociable and assertive. State plainly what I want, and go for it. I let my anxieties flower up my words. There is nothing to fear from people, and if they don’t like me screw them. I’m a really awesome person, and have really awesome friends that will back me up with that. I am a talented and magical person- yes you read right I am full of magic! So I just need to be myself and be awesome, its what comes most naturally to me.
   

Sometimes you have to let go, even people close to you. I think I finally got over an ex-flame this year. She had to force herself back into my life begging to be friends again, and I watched as she disregarded said friendship. It helped me get over her because she was such a tool to me in the end, but also that I can do better. I stated before, just because something doesn’t work out the way you wanted does not mean the end of the world, other opportunities rise up in the ashes of our failures. That is the greatest lesson of all life while we live. (See six.)

Several movies and stories I saw this year, including the Dark Knight Rises, have been about the act of letting go. Holding on to things, like pain, can be so hurtful to our souls. The pain caused by other people is but for a moment, but our eternal pain is caused when we refuse to let go of it. We allow it to transform ourselves into horrible things, and when we let go we become beautiful again. It carries over to good emotions too by holding onto a dead love we can corrupt ourselves just as much.
 So often I would have stayed in bad relationships, and let them tear me down if it weren’t for family and friends to drag me away from them. I feel like I am finally mature enough to just walk by myself. Of course, it still sucks and still hurts, but I can do it. 

 Everything that fails burns has a phoenix rise out of its ashes. Just because things are so bad does not mean they will always be, nor does it mean that the best times are behind us. We will find better things out there, and life continually becomes more amazing as along as we assert ourselves into it. Sometimes its because the world changes, and sometimes its because we change and we see things differently than we saw them before. 

I need to exist on my own, outside of my family, friends, and relationships. This gives me a concrete idea of who I am, and what I want. Without this then I am nothing. School is good for this, but also having adventures by myself. Going out and doing things, seeing things, having experiences. Too often we can sit idly by waiting for those in our lives to come a save us from boredom, but we need to be our own relief. Once we do that, then we can relieve others of their own boredom. Otherwise being only a part of the collective means dependence upon the collective, and surviving without it means death. Both in a literal, emotional, and spiritual sense. Having some dependence upon others is healthy, but a complete is not. (This is the statement I have the most trouble articulating. I hope it has some sense of clarity, if not let me know.)

The overall theme, if you haven’t guessed, is one of anxiety. I know that I am not alone in stating that 2012 was a year of anxiety. Many people thought the world would end due to a misinterpretation of a Mayan Calendar, so many end of the world stories have begun or are being marketed. It’s our times, and our generation. Still, it is something to be worked on. Anxiety can be such a damaging thing, and I, personally, would regret it if I gave into all my fears.