Free Write From Who Knows When

The following is a free write that I found while I was cleaning up my computer. I don't think I meant it to be serious, as I laughed when I read it. Hence, I decided to post it. I hope someone enjoys this, I had no idea what was going through my head.

Can we change? Truly? This has been the topic of a great many writings. My favorite show Lost dealt with this theme over and over again. To watch a character begin to change from who they were before they crashed onto the island only to watch them slide back into their natural selves. This is how I am whenever I move. I present myself in a false fashion, artificially recreating myself into what I project others want, or whom I think I should be. Then the slide back. Then there are all those times that I have tried to change for a girl, that never works out. To feel that I am flawed, like characters on Lost, and imperfect and seeking to improve upon myself to better appease God, myself, and those around me, never works out. I feel as though I am the same person as when I was six years old, (a Modest Mouse song states that.) I wish to change, but often I do not see it in the day to day. I only see it in the tragedies, to witness myself becoming more reserved and graceful, (only a wee bit,) when heart ache hits me. I’ve learned to walk away rather than linger for years on pain. But beyond that I still relate to people the same way, I still have many of the same habits, just situated in a bigger body, and a later point and time than when I was six. The core of me does not change. Perhaps this part of me should not change. This is who I am and I should accept it. To accept is to allow change, I believe that this is something that Kierkegaard wrote about. Acceptance of ones self, our limitations and strengths, then we can work around them. Like Batman.

Anxiety and Life

I took a walk/train ride to the ocean the other night. I've been having trouble focusing. I've been anxious about graduation. I don't feel ready, realizing that no one ever does. There's something daunting about the end. At the same time I feel so relived that I will be a free man again. I will be able to get a job and start paying off my loans and saving money. I haven't worked in a year, having chosen to focus on school. I don't regret it, but its been hard for me to do much else.

Mortality has been haunting me lately. The fact that I will die. I turn thirty this summer. I feel like that snuck up on me. Someone reminded me that tall people usually have shorter life spans, so technically I may already be middle aged. There is so much that I want to do with my life, but at times I move so slow. Its hard.

I think that's why I went to the beach. To try and escape my mortal despair for a little bit. To see a piece of this beautiful world instead of sitting around for a few more seconds. Reminding me that I am part of something bigger. Reminding me that there is organization and that God is out there waiting for me. The best thing to do about despair and anxiety is get up and do something. They only set in when we do nothing. 

I'm grateful for the ocean. That I can simply jump on a train and be there in ten minutes.