David Bowie and Me.

"Turn back Sarah, before it's too late!"

A couple weeks ago I was feeling a little down. School has been rough this semester. My dating life has died. My social life has pretty much died. I was getting amped for Halloween, but was wanting to watch it financially. I've never made/gotten a big costume before, and I have always wanted one. I always thought that it would be fun to have an elaborate costume for Halloween, making me the talking sensation of the night.

So as I went through the usual suspects of costumes -(i.e. Groucho Marx, Charlie Chaplin, Abe Lincoln,) costumes that don't require a lot of stuff I do not already have- I came to a realization. I'm single and I don't really answer to anyone- except my teachers- why not just make an elaborate and crazy costume? So I did some online research; late at night of course.

So around one in the morning I realized that I was never going to commit during the day, and I should just order the pieces then while I was not in a right frame of mind as I was sleep deprived. As I woke up that morning I realized what I had done- I spent my rice money on a David Bowie costume. Meaning that I would have nothing to eat for three weeks, and there was the possibility of the tights revealing too much of my bod. I logged on and cancelled the orders and waited for their response; all cancelled except for the two most expensive items.

I was locked in, and there was no turning back. I was to be Jarreth from Labyrinth. My number one Halloween costume choice for the past ten years. I was going to accomplish one of my dreams and bucket list items, "What what."(Imagine me raising the roof in a geeky Tina Fey style.)

One of the only items I did not order was the tights. They are actually hard to find for under $30 online, and I did not want to pay that much for them. By a stroke of luck I found some at Ross. I walked passed the Women's dept. 3 times before I summoned the courage to actually go in. Whenever a heterosexual male enters into Women's or a Child's dept. he is afraid of being accused of being some kinda weirdo and pervert, even if we are not. True Story. I found some tights, clumped them together and then walked back into the Men's dept. to regain my Machismo. Then I went back to where I left them, rolled them into a men's shirt, and walked to the dressing rooms.

Trying to suck my cheeks in to look more like Bowie.

I showed the attendant the hangers- "I got four clothes."

She said "Give them to me."

"Why?"

"I need to check them," she stated annoyed with me.

At this point I thought of running for it.

"Must you?" I deplored.

"Yes." She said in her robotic tone, as dept. store clerkary for 20 years had stolen her soul.

I gave her the clothes. She patted them down. "Oh good," I thought, "That's all she needed to do, to check them for stolen goods."

Then in front of everyone else waiting to get in, she hangs them up on a bar for everyone to see. Black and grey women's tights dangling as she frisks them like kids at a rock concert. A sticky little child behind me cried out laughing at me. Teenagers giggled. A woman fainted.

"You can go in," said the clerk, unaware of the riot and embarrassment she had caused me. She even passed me a judgemental eye that glared "Here's another pervert" at me.

I didn't give her a tip.

Tights- running the risk of forever being mocked for saying this- are the most comfortable things I have ever worn. Sure they ride around weird, and show a lot, but they feel really good. I get David Duchovny's character in Twin Peaks. I wouldn't want to go as far as he, but a little rock star like cross dressing has a certain fit. Not that I would do it everyday, just halloween, and bed. I wore a lot of layers under there though... If you're not sure why, then ask your parents.

I had two gorgeous ladies help me out with the make-up. I was a hit at the party I went to. I don't know if I will do it again for actual Halloween, but it was fun. Many people had their pictures taken with me that I had never met. I stole three babies to turn them into Goblins. Although I didn't get a date with Jennifer Connely, whom I did this all for, I think that it was a success.

You remind me of the Babe.

Random Thoughts while waiting for school Applications to go through. (Originally published in 2011)

I have five different applications for five different schools out. I put out the ones for the CSU system late October, and some in November. People I know that have had lower GPA's have already been accepted, although they applied much earlier than I have. I am always kind of neurotic about applying, and filling out papers. I have this fear that a minuscule error will result in the absolute rejection of what I have done. I go back and forth and cross all the t's and dot the lower case j's. But I know due to my own uniqueness I still err quite often. This lack of communication between the schools and myself only feeds my worries, and my neuroses.

I had to wait more than three months when I applied for my mission. It was a long wait. Most of my friends at the time received their mission calls within weeks of submitting it. Not me, for I had to wait it out. I suppose that God was trying my patience, which he did. So perhaps this is a trial of my own patience. So I recall that period of my life.

Every application I put out I applied toward a different program that I am qualified for. Typically I like to control my own destiny, but I prayed and felt I should put a little more faith into God and let him decide. So one of the reasons I am growing impatient is because I want to know what path I am going to take for the rest of my life.

Then whenever I really start to stress out about the whole thing I start to think of the worst case scenario- I don't get accepted and have to do it again. As much as I hate filling out applications its not all that bad. Plus if I do it again, it gives me time to get more classes letting me into better programs, and I can apply to some of the schools that I really want to. I have learned over time that facing up to our fears and allowing our worlds fall apart around us sometimes is the best thing. We lose that fear, and its fear that holds us back, creating unrealistic boundaries, keeping us from happiness. That's what I really want is to be happy. That is why I went back to school, to progress in a way that will make me happy. I don't really care about a degree any more, or an awesome career, but about how I live my life. I want to live up to my standards, and my God's. As Ghandi said "happiness is when we align what we think with what we do." I wanted to gain intelligence so I went back to school, and I did. I will attempt to get a degree as a sign that I have gained intelligence, and allow me to get better paid, but its only a sign to the world, I don't need it to prove anything to myself.

BED

Why is it so hard to get out of bed in the morning? Niezche used this fact to counter John Stuart Mill's and other Utilitarian philosophers in their idea that life is about seeking pain. Nietzche felt life was more about pain, and the fact that we stay in bed so often is our way of avoiding it. The doll drum of daily toil and work becomes monotonous and painful, yet we bear with it. So often we wish that we could stay in our dream lands just like Leonardo DiCaprio in Inception.

Fear of facing those horrible unfinished tasks from the day before. When I laid my head down I was so eager to get back to them, and now I feel as though they are a weight and burden I would rather avoid. Often I feel that I am extrovert seeking other people at night. And then that I am an introvert in the morning, wishing to avoid all others. Like a child I often prolong going back to bed knowing full well that when I wake up I will not have the enthusiasm for a project that I had before.

I also feel like a different person in the morning. My emotions are different completely sometimes. I can go to bed feeling like "I'm single! I answer to no one." Then I will wake up and be like "Mwah, I'm single. I have no one to answer to, or think of me." It's a rather stunning and bizarre phenomena. Don't get me wrong, I love sleeping, but c'mon body and mind. 

Back to where I started...

I'm restarting this blog up. I haven't made any posts in quite sometime. About a year ago I even went so far as to retire it, hiding it completely. Mostly because when I moved out of the East Bay and into the West I wanted to start a new life-Tabula Rasa-hiding myself, and the person I had been in favor of a new life. A very Romantic idea. On the show Lost many of the characters tried to do the same thing on the island in which they were trapped. Unfortunetaly for them they found out that you can't escape the past because you carry it around with you. That's what happened with me in many ways. I tried to escape myself, only to have it show up as emotional baggage; which is worse. Then in an effort to hide myself I didn't open myself up to people, killing off a few relationships before they started.

So why the blog? How is this me opening up? I suppose its another outlet to open myself up to, though I don't know who is going to read this. It is as likely some stranger in Germany will stumble upon this as it is a friend, or a potential future GF.

I think it was important for me to reopen this blog. I deleted a few old posts, but all of them are amateurish and embarrassing. I can't figure out why I was as open as I was, or why I thought the way I did. But here it is, in all its glory. I needed to open this up to, in a sense, help open myself up.

I retook the "5 Love Language" test thingy. I like touch, but in truth I only like touch when its from someone I like. That's not really my love language. When I lived in Oakland people knew I didn't like touching, then I moved to SF and I became more touchy feely. I'm not going to say why, but I have moderated. Touch is not my love language, its Quality time, and words of affirmation. In Quality time you want someone to pay attention to you, and you to them. Just focus, no tv, cell phone, etc. The two of you just talk. When I was all touchy, I lost that, and again denied a part of me. So I think I am trying to blog again as another way to connect. Words of affirmation are appreciated.