Random Thoughts while waiting for school Applications to go through. (Originally published in 2011)

I have five different applications for five different schools out. I put out the ones for the CSU system late October, and some in November. People I know that have had lower GPA's have already been accepted, although they applied much earlier than I have. I am always kind of neurotic about applying, and filling out papers. I have this fear that a minuscule error will result in the absolute rejection of what I have done. I go back and forth and cross all the t's and dot the lower case j's. But I know due to my own uniqueness I still err quite often. This lack of communication between the schools and myself only feeds my worries, and my neuroses.

I had to wait more than three months when I applied for my mission. It was a long wait. Most of my friends at the time received their mission calls within weeks of submitting it. Not me, for I had to wait it out. I suppose that God was trying my patience, which he did. So perhaps this is a trial of my own patience. So I recall that period of my life.

Every application I put out I applied toward a different program that I am qualified for. Typically I like to control my own destiny, but I prayed and felt I should put a little more faith into God and let him decide. So one of the reasons I am growing impatient is because I want to know what path I am going to take for the rest of my life.

Then whenever I really start to stress out about the whole thing I start to think of the worst case scenario- I don't get accepted and have to do it again. As much as I hate filling out applications its not all that bad. Plus if I do it again, it gives me time to get more classes letting me into better programs, and I can apply to some of the schools that I really want to. I have learned over time that facing up to our fears and allowing our worlds fall apart around us sometimes is the best thing. We lose that fear, and its fear that holds us back, creating unrealistic boundaries, keeping us from happiness. That's what I really want is to be happy. That is why I went back to school, to progress in a way that will make me happy. I don't really care about a degree any more, or an awesome career, but about how I live my life. I want to live up to my standards, and my God's. As Ghandi said "happiness is when we align what we think with what we do." I wanted to gain intelligence so I went back to school, and I did. I will attempt to get a degree as a sign that I have gained intelligence, and allow me to get better paid, but its only a sign to the world, I don't need it to prove anything to myself.