David Bowie and Me.

"Turn back Sarah, before it's too late!"

A couple weeks ago I was feeling a little down. School has been rough this semester. My dating life has died. My social life has pretty much died. I was getting amped for Halloween, but was wanting to watch it financially. I've never made/gotten a big costume before, and I have always wanted one. I always thought that it would be fun to have an elaborate costume for Halloween, making me the talking sensation of the night.

So as I went through the usual suspects of costumes -(i.e. Groucho Marx, Charlie Chaplin, Abe Lincoln,) costumes that don't require a lot of stuff I do not already have- I came to a realization. I'm single and I don't really answer to anyone- except my teachers- why not just make an elaborate and crazy costume? So I did some online research; late at night of course.

So around one in the morning I realized that I was never going to commit during the day, and I should just order the pieces then while I was not in a right frame of mind as I was sleep deprived. As I woke up that morning I realized what I had done- I spent my rice money on a David Bowie costume. Meaning that I would have nothing to eat for three weeks, and there was the possibility of the tights revealing too much of my bod. I logged on and cancelled the orders and waited for their response; all cancelled except for the two most expensive items.

I was locked in, and there was no turning back. I was to be Jarreth from Labyrinth. My number one Halloween costume choice for the past ten years. I was going to accomplish one of my dreams and bucket list items, "What what."(Imagine me raising the roof in a geeky Tina Fey style.)

One of the only items I did not order was the tights. They are actually hard to find for under $30 online, and I did not want to pay that much for them. By a stroke of luck I found some at Ross. I walked passed the Women's dept. 3 times before I summoned the courage to actually go in. Whenever a heterosexual male enters into Women's or a Child's dept. he is afraid of being accused of being some kinda weirdo and pervert, even if we are not. True Story. I found some tights, clumped them together and then walked back into the Men's dept. to regain my Machismo. Then I went back to where I left them, rolled them into a men's shirt, and walked to the dressing rooms.

Trying to suck my cheeks in to look more like Bowie.

I showed the attendant the hangers- "I got four clothes."

She said "Give them to me."

"Why?"

"I need to check them," she stated annoyed with me.

At this point I thought of running for it.

"Must you?" I deplored.

"Yes." She said in her robotic tone, as dept. store clerkary for 20 years had stolen her soul.

I gave her the clothes. She patted them down. "Oh good," I thought, "That's all she needed to do, to check them for stolen goods."

Then in front of everyone else waiting to get in, she hangs them up on a bar for everyone to see. Black and grey women's tights dangling as she frisks them like kids at a rock concert. A sticky little child behind me cried out laughing at me. Teenagers giggled. A woman fainted.

"You can go in," said the clerk, unaware of the riot and embarrassment she had caused me. She even passed me a judgemental eye that glared "Here's another pervert" at me.

I didn't give her a tip.

Tights- running the risk of forever being mocked for saying this- are the most comfortable things I have ever worn. Sure they ride around weird, and show a lot, but they feel really good. I get David Duchovny's character in Twin Peaks. I wouldn't want to go as far as he, but a little rock star like cross dressing has a certain fit. Not that I would do it everyday, just halloween, and bed. I wore a lot of layers under there though... If you're not sure why, then ask your parents.

I had two gorgeous ladies help me out with the make-up. I was a hit at the party I went to. I don't know if I will do it again for actual Halloween, but it was fun. Many people had their pictures taken with me that I had never met. I stole three babies to turn them into Goblins. Although I didn't get a date with Jennifer Connely, whom I did this all for, I think that it was a success.

You remind me of the Babe.